DVD Review: Cockneys vs Zombies
Leo Owen explores a first feature full of promise that disappointingly lacks …
Director: Matthias Hoene
Writer: James Moran, Lucas Roche
Studio: Optimum Releasing
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date: October 22 2012
Running Time: 88 mins
Certificate:15
Starring: Michelle Ryan, Georgia King, Honor Blackman, Jack Doolan, Dudley Sutton, Alan Ford, Richard Briars, Tony Gardner
The no-nonsense title of Matthias Hoene’s first big screen feature is likely to attract fans of the horror genre; Pandering to gore fanatics Cockneys vs Zombies implies no messing all-out-battle and airy escapist nonsense.
The film opens on a building site destined to be “luxury living in the heart of East London”. Two workmen stumble across a crypt sealed by the order of King Charles I. In the hope of “gold and stuff”, they break the seal and moments later a skeleton moves and the pair inevitably become its victims. Blase exchanges between the two as they look for gold signal early on how tongue-in-cheek Hoene’s debut is: “They don’t care – they’re dead already, aren’t they?” With this almost throwaway opening tenuously explaining the forthcoming zombie outbreak, we switch focus to the Macguire brothers.
“Jammy git” Andy and his older brother Daryl are cockney geezers with a plan. Their beloved granddad’s care home is about to be torn down and they’re not going to stand by and let it happen. Enlisting the help of their cousin Katy (Michelle Ryan), pal Davey (Jack Doolan) and local nut job Mental Mickey (a steel plate in the back of his head is clearly going to come in handy later…), they prepare to rob a bank but on the way to their target rats infest the roads suggesting all is not well.
“There’s something funny going on at the building site,” says granddad spying through binoculars. Scenes at the home are by far the funniest as Hoene shows OAPs defending themselves with strap on guns and weaponed-up mobility aids. “Have some of this twinkle toes,” says one resident while another shouts, “Gordon Bennett – there’s tonnes of the bastards!” False legs are re-attached before escapes and “raspberry ripple” key player Derek (Dudley Sutton of Lovejoy fame) declares, “And you can fuck off and all,” using his wheelchair as a weapon. Richard Briars as Hamish is comedy gold, surrounded by zombies sleeping through the attack in a sun lounger placed in the back garden. On his third hip replacement, Hamish walks with a zimmer frame and ends up in possibly the slowest zombie chase ever filmed, yelling, “Get out of it!”
Away from granddad’s chums, there are few generally funny moments (Mickey disguising himself with a false moustache over his own facial hair, some dodgy Cockney pronunciation: “You afraid of a few skellingtons?”…). Writers James Moran and Lucas Roche seem intent on reinforcing stereotypes by depicting white van dealings and OAPS singing Knees Up Mother Brown. One of the most painful scenes involves Sutton explaining the origins of the Cockney rhyming slang for “zombies” (“Trafalgars”) accompanied by a comedy gag sound to remind us we’re supposed to laugh.
Granddad Ray (Alan Ford) has “never been further than Walthamstow dog track” and has equally embarrassing O.T.T. flashbacks to fighting the “Nazi mugs”. Token sentimental moments fall flat and other intentionally funny scenes are thwarted by a stilted script (a baby booting scene, rival zombie football supporters meeting…) that occasionally tries too hard to be clever: “I’ve got tits you tit,” exclaims Katy. Her character instantly recognises the situation as a zombie threat and thankfully moves away from gender stereotypes as the most able gang member.
In addition to a strong cast of core pensioners (including Honor Blackman), Dexter Fletcher appears in an uncredited flashback role as the brothers’ father. He makes a cringeworthy inspirational speech before departing brandishing a gun and shouting, “Come on you pigs!” – hardly surprising he decided his name should be left out of the credits. Tony Gardner (Professor Shales of Fresh Meat) also pops up as one of the robbery kidnap victims.
Despite some terrible one-liners reminiscent of Only Fools And Horses, it’s not all bad – split screen footage is put to good effect to depict robbery prep and the soundtrack is well-placed with The Automatic’s Monster song accompanying Grindhouse style opening credits, Spanish shoot-out music for the robbery, war epic instrumentals for the riverside shoot-out and an especially-written Chaz and Dave track for end credits.
Bordering on Carry On Zombie (pantomimed cries of “Behind you!”), Cockneys vs Zombies should really have used the care home as its focal point and renamed itself Pensioners vs Zombies for a much funnier film. Unsubtle comments on regeneration are the only serious message you could possible take from Cockneys vs Zombies: “The East end’s been through far worse”. Despite its faults, the film’s final uplifting line is well-placed and it looks like the cast had a whole lot of fun using London as their playground.
Special Features:
Behind The Scenes –
The Maguire Brothers
The Bank Robbery
The Care Home
At The Docks
Special Effects
The Filmmakers
Andy TV
Zombie School
Trailer