Mainly moaning about my mobile muddle.
My phone isn’t working.
My phone hasn’t worked since this time last week. As far as I know.
My phone is some ridiculously complicated model with more computer power than the whole of NASA when Apollo 13 called Houston to say they had a bit of a problem.
Houston at least called Jim Lovell back. And they got a team of engineers right on the problem. Capcom kept in touch and the crew was saved. Made a bloody good film.
I’m with Virgin Media. If Virgin had been in charge of Mission Control back in 1970 Jim would still be on hold listening to some infuriatingly saccharine R&B muzak in a Lunar Excursion Module that had long since turned to ice as its orbit gradually took it into a final death plunge toward earth.
My phone hasn’t died exactly. I can still receive voicemails and texts, and I am able to tweet, post to Instagram and update Facebook. I can even get calls via Whatsapp, and I didn’t even know that was possible – the only time I ever use Whatsapp is to send Clancy pictures of the cats, so getting a call this morning to say she’d ordered me a panini was a bit of a nice surprise.
But the thing is, my phone doesn’t do what a phone should be doing. I can’t call anyone, and nobody can get through to me. It’s not a phone.
Virgin Media is a broadband provider. You would expect to be able to use a computer to contact your broadband provider. I don’t think I’m making extravagant demands here. I thought, just get on the computer, it’ll be sorted in no time.
My mobile is not working (I may have mentioned that) and so I could not use my mobile phone to report that my mobile phone is not working, as my mobile phone is not working. I’m fairly sure my logic is watertight on this one. It could be a tautology, though it’s a long time since I studied formal logic. But, whatever it is, my bloody phone doesn’t work. I cannot call the Virgin helpline from my mobile phone. Because the problem I want to report and get help with is that my mobile phone doesn’t work… is that getting through to you yet?
My. Mobile. Phone. Is. Not. Working.
I have no idea if putting full stops after each individual word helps get the message across, but I’ve seen it so many times on Twitter that I thought I’d give it a go. I’m almost at the point where I’ll be forced to use FULL CAPS. That’s how desperate I am.
MY PHONE IS FUCKED!
Now, it’s made me swear, that’s how pissed off I am.
Just before lunch Clancy let me use her phone to call the Virgin helpline. The Virgin helpline helpfully said that it would be better if I could use their online faq site as they were experiencing an unprecedented number of calls owing to unprecedented circumstances, and they helpfully suggested that they would send me a link by text.
The link took me to the Virgin Media mobile help site, which helpfully contains not a scrap of information about what to do in the event that your Virgin Mobile phone doesn’t do what you are paying a heck of a lot a month for in the expectation that your Virgin mobile will actually be able to make Virgin fucking phone calls.
Check it out. Bugger all use.
There is one link which purports to provide info about my very situation, but when you investigate it’s simply a list of things to do if you are going abroad and are worried about mobile phone charges. Even in normal times that would be taking the piss, but in the current circumstances it seems positively evil.
There is also a Virgin community help forum. Virgin customers helping each other out. It’s a lovely thought, isn’t it! A community, and that’s nice. We are all in this together, aren’t we?
I signed up. I logged in. I submitted a question. Just a simple one, “my phone is not able to make or receive calls, what can I do?”
Great news, I got an answer to my question within seconds. Not exactly an answer, but an email reply.
Welcome to the community! That was nice…
And, another email; congratulations to me, I had a rank in the Virgin Media Help and Support Community… fucking fantastic.
And another email… I had a badge.
A badge.
A BADGE!
I haven’t won a badge since I was eleven. I haven’t wanted a badge since I was in short pants. What the fuck do I want with a badge? I’m paying for a fucking phone, and as far as I’m aware a badge is not and never has been a communication device.
Plus, it’s not even a bastard badge.
This is a badge.
What I got is a pointless, annoying, irrelevant email, with a picture of a badge. And that was 6 hours ago. I’m still waiting for an answer from the community.
Not holding my breath.
Perhaps I should just cancel the direct debit? I bet that would encourage them to talk to me.
I had a similar experience with Virgin Media when attempting to add credit to my venerable pay-as-you-go Nokia. Like you I attempted phoning and re-read all seven volumes of Proust whilst on hold. Finally I was redirected to the website where I was propelled on several circuits of a roundabout involving attempting to enter e-mail and password only to be informed that no record existed and that I needed to register. Attempting to register I was informed that my e-mail was already in use. Eventually I was deposited down a cul de sac where I attempted to change my password and was sent a code which I entered only to be informed that an error had occurred (in spite of making sure by copying and pasting the code). In the end I made a curfew-busting dash to the post-office (does topping up phone credit count as a valid reason for leaving the house?). And I never got offered a badge!
I share your impatience with that Fullstop. After. Every. Word. mode of emphasis. And whilst in exasperation mood, could I plead for a moratorium on the use of the word ‘unprecedented’.
My use of the word “unprecedented” was obviously not unprecedented. I am back on the phone, trying to get my phone working… I am going to make a call, and I may be some time.