In this anti-review Katie Beswick (@ElfinKate) decides to scrap Pippa Middleton’s party advice and offer you her own hosting tips instead
If, like me, you’re the kind of Culture Vulture who keeps abreast of things literary, you will this week have been well shocked by the news that Pippa Middleton (the Duchess of Cambridge’s pert buttocked sibling)’s recently released party planning book Celebrate! has been something of a flop, sales wise. The reported £400,000 advance she was paid for producing her wisdom in print is starting to seem like something of a frivolous gamble on the part of her publishers, Penguin; who will no doubt be ruing the day they failed to solicit me for the job once they run their eyeballs over this blog post. I’d have done it for half the money, and at least there’d have been a chance of someone in Britain throwing a party with lols off the back of it.
I don’t even need to read the book in full to know that its contents will be useless to me, and indeed to anyone who wishes to host an event that anyone else would attend without the coersional* pressure of social etiquette (so scrap weddings, family Christmases, and friends’ parents’ silver wedding anniversaries). The promotional blurb for the book promised that the tips on offer would include ‘menu, activity, and craft ideas…advice on stocking party supplies, arranging flowers and preserving food at home.’ WTF?! Penguin thought this book would work as a festive bestseller? I think they’ve got their tight sex bum fan market confused with their chintz wearing yummy mummy market. Or else they’re all on crack. That’s why I decided not to waste my time reviewing the book for you. Instead I’ll devote the remaining words of this anti-review to disseminating my own tips for throwing a proper party (i.e. one which does not include jam). You can trust me because, unlike Pippa, I have never upstaged a bride at her wedding, or been caught up in a gun controversy.
Unlike some of the other parodies of Pip’s work, mine has the adavantage of being genuinely useful in terms of advancing your social status and increasing your popularity with friends and family.
Tip 1: Don’t send invites that include a finish time
At a party, people want to feel free to have spontaneous fun, long into the night. This means invitations which read ‘ 2 ’til 6′, ‘8 to midnight’ or similar will inevitably be met with the kind of sinking feeling that proceeds tedium. Do you want to be the killjoy at your own party? No? Well, then you need to make arrangements that accommodate debauched all night ravers – which means if you hire a hall, there better be nightclubs nearby, otherwise, it’s back to yours.
Tip 2: Buy too much booze
What I mean of course is buy what you think is enough booze, and then double the quantity. Don’t worry about expense (Tennent’s Super or White Lightning will do) its volume that’s important here. Nothing ruins the party funtime like an alcohol drought. Unless you’re teetotal, in which case…no, I can’t help I’m afraid. You’ll have to leave your own tips in the comments box below.
Tip 3: Don’t waste time making delicious food from scratch
Just get in some frozen chicken, a few jars of curry sauce, and a big bag of rice. If you’ve been following my party planning guidance, everyone will be too pissed to care what it tastes like.
If you’re a bit concerned that your culinary rep might be destroyed, I advise that you wait until everyone is ravenous and serve the food then. Experience has taught me that hungry people always compliment whatever food you produce. Even if they’re sober and it’s made of rubber.
Tip 4: Invite at least four heavy smokers
Every party needs several guests with abundant cigarettes that tipsy non-smokers, social smokers and other assortments of intoxicated pleasure seekers can steal. This will also add a spatial dynamism to your winter parties, because it separates the carefree, Bohemian smoker types from other guests by banishing them to the outdoors.
Tip 5: Play music
Any kind, that’s your choice, but a party is not a party without music. Volume and genre dictate atmosphere, obviously; so again I’ll leave that to you.
And that’s it. ElfinKate’s Guide to Celebration in Five Easy Steps. Penguin, I’ll be waiting for your call.
* See Penguin, I just invented a word; like what Shakespeare used to do – Did Pippa do that for you? Did she? Seriously, you’ll have to let me know, as I’m sure I’ve made clear with the contents of this blog post, I haven’t read a word of Celebrate!