This time of year the sales of self-help books rockets higher than the self-esteem of Paul McKenna gazing at himself in a 360 degree mirror. I really can’t imagine why.
It’s not that I don’t buy books. In fact, if there were a book about problematic book addiction I’d probably buy one (who’s kidding, I’d splurge on Amazon and order all the recommendations too.) The other day I calculated the amount of money that I’ve spent on books in my life, and it’s well over a hundred thousand pounds. I could have bought a house. Throw in the similar amount I’ve spent on wine and I could stretch to a swimming pool. And if I added the colossal heap of cash I’ve wasted on numerous exes (one huge house renovation, two diamond rings, three cars and enough Chanel Number five to fill a bath, so I stand by “wasted” in case anyone wants to challenge my usage) I could probably relocate to Adel. But where would that leave me? With a brain as empty as last night’s whisky bottle, a liver livelier than this morning’s Alka-Seltzer and … I considered continuing with the unused organ imagery but let’s just say, virginal. In other words the sort of patsy who gets suckered into buying self-help books.
So, I’ll not be making the likes of that smirking, snake-oily mesmerist Paul McKenna any richer this New Year. I’m quite happy as I am, thank you very much – unimproved, merry, and hopelessly deluded about my chances with the opposite sex … actually I could probably write a book about that, though I doubt it would help anyone.
I wouldn’t know where to start adding up what I’ve spent on wine. I’m sure as an exercise it would only add to the “Blue Monday” feeling. Better to think of what I’ve saved by always buying whatever wine is “half price” or 3 bottles for a tenner.
I have resolved not to detox in January (or February, or March…), not to diet, not to work harder, not to start a fun new hobby and not to improve myself. I think I can do it.
Ha, what you’ve saved on wine! Now that sounds like a perfect calculation … I’ve saved absolutely loads using your method. I may go and save some more this evening too … This makes me feel almost virtuous.
I shall follow your lead. To the supermarket!
Ooh a wine self help group! Find out where to go to save money? I swear by Sainsbury’s 3-bottle wine boxes. Despite being only grape- rather than region-specific (chardonnay, shiraz, pinot etc) they are actually pretty good.
A wine self help group? I always help myself to wine. But if anyone needs a mentor get in touch. This sounds like the only self help group where I’d actually be happy to share.