Two objections were raised against my idea of general, continuous, inescapable intoxication as the solution to all the world’s ills. First, who would do all the work? Second, wouldn’t it have a detrimental effect on the physical health of the nation? Wouldn’t people die younger from all sorts of alcohol related disease and injury?
The first objection takes a moment to despatch in just one word: robots!
As to the second; I concede. Life would be shorter. But the point of what I proposed was never to extend the span of life, but to augment its joys.
Let us for the sake of argument assume that my plan would reduce the average life by 20%. Who would not feel that’s a fantastic bargain if the delights of every day were doubled or trebled?
Government statistics – mostly actuarial voodoo – scare us into believing in the majesty of mere numbers. But comparative figures alone mean nothing. If Bill lives to ninety and Ben to sixty it doesn’t mean that Bill is 50% luckier, happier and more emotionally enviable than Ben. Bill may have spent the whole of his life in a Holbeck back-to-back going nowhere further than Elland Road, drinking at The Black Bull, eating nothing but takeaways from Fraz (admittedly, he’d have to be born with cast iron genes to reach ninety eating nothing but pizza and chips, with a side of Coke and dried out chocolate fudge cake.) Whereas Ben may have sojourned his sixty years in a Chapel Allerton semi, enjoying evenings at Seven Arts, good wine at The Woods, and amazing Mexican food at Pinche Pinche.
I am convinced that anyone in possession of all the information and given the choice would go with a limited amount of quality time in LS7 over an offer of twice the longevity in LS11. So imagine if the deal was unlimited alcohol, robots, and medical attention free at the point of delivery … and all it cost was a few meaningless years of spare existence. Would this not be the definitive utopia?
Wouldn’t everyone choose a modest span of genuinely civilised and happy existence over a geological epoch under the stresses and strains we endure under the current scheme of things?
More alcohol is the answer. On tap. On time. On track.
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