Breaking Bad Resolutions

Yes of course I made a New Year’s resolution. And I managed to break it before 3am New Year’s Day.

It’s not that I lacked resolve. Nor did my willpower weaken as the alcohol got stronger – though the last thing I remember is draining the last drop of some outlandishly named Bourbon as I left the party and stumbled into a taxi, so I could blame the booze if I wanted to shift the responsibility. The resolution itself wasn’t beyond my capabilities. I never saw the point in making promises so far beyond my inclinations, desires and temperament that it would amount to a personality overhaul, and all my previous resolutions have been eminently achievable. In fact I have stringently observed a prohibition on the personal use of bullet points since 1991 and haven’t bought a single pair of brown suede slip-ons for well over a decade, so I think I can consider myself a responsible, rational and effective resolution maker.

But the best way to treat a resolution I’ve found, is to terminate it as decisively and irrevocably as is possible before the pubs open on New Years day. That way you may have a chance of actually sticking to it later in the year should you choose without all the measuring and monitoring and moralising that goes with resolution mongering.

After all, what are most New Year’s resolutions if not self-imposed austerity measures for the soul? That’s why most resolutions resemble sound-bites from a government manifesto. Tighten your belts! Don’t eat/drink/smoke to excess! Do better, work harder, they are coming to snatch your job/house/NHS bed if you don’t notch up the striving and work twice as hard! They may have some justification; they may be necessary; they may even be in your long term interests. But when your super-ego starts lecturing you like a Tory Minister at a photo opportunity then the only decent thing to do is put on some Mickey Mouse ears, toot a party blower and throw some jelly in its face. Resist. More cakes and ale and uninhibited carousing!

My guess is that people who go along the austerity route will choose mean and tight resolutions. Why not rebel against that and resolve to add more good stuff to life rather than refrain, restrain and abstain? In my own case my three favourite things in life are good wine, long walks and the attentions of unsuitable women … though I probably don’t need a resolution to encourage me to indulge in any of those things. And I know that someday they’ll probably kill me – I’m hoping the alcohol and exercise cancel each other out, it’s the other that worries me most – but what’s the point of prolonging mere existence by means of making life less worthwhile?

If you’ve made a life-affirming resolution this year, then the best of luck with keeping it. Why don’t you text your resolution to the @willpowerbot and see if he can help keep you on track … I texted mine, but that’s a secret between me and the bot.