As I was enjoying the excellent Norwegian thriller Headhunters I also felt a bit sick, and not just at the nauseating scene involving the ‘hero’ being submerged in a latrine’s cesspit with only a toilet roll holder as a breathing tube.
I felt sick that Hollywood was probably already in production making a totally inferior remake starring Tom, Brad or George. My fear is based on their awful form in nicking classics from across the globe and ruining them, or eating their own celluloid entrails as they remake films that just don’t need redoing.
Consider the Nordic horrific perfection of Let The Right One In, and then take a look at the US remake Let Me In, which might be a decent film, but is inferior in virtually every way to the original.
It’s not only classics that suffer as the functional French thriller Anything For Her was ruined by Hollywood when it was remade as The Next Three Days.
Does anyone really think the tiresomely campy The Birdcage, starring a wildly overacting Robin Williams, is better than the touching La Cage aux Folles? Why did Jim McBridge think it was a good idea to remake Breathless with a blank faced Richard Gere?
Gere is also utterly dreadful in The Jackal which is a brain dead take on the brilliant ’60s Brit thriller and British films have suffered particularly badly in the remake stakes. I still cringe when I hear the phrase ‘Sylvester Stallone in Get Carter’ or think about Mark Walberg trampling over the genius that is The Italian Job.
This wholesale pilfering is not just confined to Europe as Scorsese’s mediocre The Departed is a remake of the Hong Kong gangster classic Infernal Affairs. The Hong Kong version focuses on honour codes and a tense battle of nerves where the ‘good guy’ dies, but in the flabby Hollywood version there is zero emphasis on honour and the ‘bad guy’ dies. Everything that could go wrong in the remake does, so do yourself a favour and only see the original.
It is doubly ironic that Hollywood is even worse at remaking its own classics. Who on earth thought of remaking the perfection of Psycho in colour with Vince Vaughn in the Anthony Perkins roles. Utterly Bonkers.
Death Race 2000 is one of my favourite ’70s films – which I saw as a kid – glorying in campy gore ,whereas the remake is plain ugly and vicious as you might expect with Jason Statham in the lead.
Did we really need a new version of Footloose which was crap first time round, and who thought that Rob Zombie would do a better job of Halloween than schlock god John Carpenter?
I could go on and on with Cape Fear, The Karate Kid and Tim Burton’s utterly dreadful Planet of the Ape, which desecrates the greatest science fiction film of the ‘60s.
So my challenges to Culture Vultures reader are:
- Name your own worse remakes
- Name a Hollywood remake that is better than the original.
I look forward to your posts as this is a tough ask.
Best film remake: The Postman Always Rings Twice remade as Obsession, Lana Turner and Jack Nicholson. The Visconti film was stylized but the Nicholson version bore true menace.
Good shout…very raunchy film too.
I loved the Japanese horror film Ringu when I saw it on tv but seeing the US remake at the cinema just made me sad that people seeing the US version first were seeing what in my eyes was a far inferior film.
Best remake Michael Mann remaking LA Takedown as Heat
Worst remakes? Ye gods, the list in endless. A few off the top of my head:
ARTHUR: yeah, because Russell Brand really has the charisma of Dudley Moore. And to be honest, the original isn’t all that.
THE ITALIAN JOB: Mark Wahlberg? Seriously? And Jason Statham? Christ on a bike.
ALFIE: An update so bland and anodyne, it made you long for unpleasant sexism of the original.
GET CARTER: There’s an emerging theme here. If the original stars Michael Caine, DO NOT TOUCH.
And one that’s better than the original:
THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR: Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo sizzle. Their chemistry is incredible. The original is a flat, dull affair. The remake is a delight.