Following objections from the animal charidee People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Leeds Student Union have abandoned plans for a petting zoo for students stressed-out by the unacceptable demands placed on them by the University to sit an exam or write a big essay at the end of their courses.
A spokesperson for PETA objected to the petting-zoo on the grounds that they “contribute to a cruel cycle of breeding, abandonment and killing” (Honestly! That’s what they said). While rival animal charidee People Who Hate People raised further fatuous concerns about the possibility of animals being used to replace stressed-out students in exams. A spokesperson for the University said, “this could raise serious problems. What if the animals did better than the students? Who would we award the degree too? Can you even get capes and mortar boards to fit a chinchilla? I’m not sure.”
However, undeterred in its infantilisation of the student body, Leeds Union is replacing the petting zoo with a “massive bouncy castle”. Union officer for Diversity, Sustainability, Awareness-Raising and General Sanctimony said: “At this time of year some students come to us like lost children, and look at you with their big eyes welling-up, and whining in a way we strongly encourage. And we’ll now be able to direct them to the bouncy castle to help them cope with their exams and dissertations.”
However, a spokesperson for environmental campaigners We Loath Humanity said: “This is grossly irresponsible. Bouncy castles are a major contribution to CO2 emissions and the eventual destruction of the planet – which we always like to portray as just round the corner”. WLH went on to say: “A better solution for students who can’t cope with the idea of being put under any kind of academic pressure by academic institutions to prove they haven’t just been pissing away three years of academia would be suicide; especially as there’s too many people on the planet as it is, and they’re all pretty nasty. Except for us.”
A Union officer for Well-Being, Self-Absorption, More Awareness-Raising and Health & Fucking Safety said: “If we don’t get the bouncy castle, we’ll just recommend a life-time of counselling to cope with the scars left by being forced to think. A bouncy castle could be dangerous anyway and encourage feudalism and bullying. What we could really do with is an awareness campaign led by people like me, warning people that even the dumbed-down educational culture of today still, unfortunately, demands some rigour.”