Please, place the item in the bag …
That’s what I’m doing.
Please, place the item in the bag …
I am. I’m trying to put an item in the bag.
Please, place the item in the bag …
(rubbing bag furiously): Shit… look, the bag won’t open. Why do they make these damned bags so difficult to crack? Can I get a better bag?
Please, place the item in the bag …
I can’t open the bloody bag! There must be some instructions? The bag’s not budging…It’s …
Please, place the item in the bag …
it’s harder to get into than my landlady’s drinks cabinet.
Please, place the item in the bag …
Okay, Okay, I’ll sort the flippin’ bag after, just give me a break.
Please, place the item in the bag …
Oh, just fuck off now! I know how to shop. I have done this before you know. I usually bring my own bastard bag.
Please, place the item in the bag …
What the hell else do you think I’d do with a six pack of fizzy water? Stuff it down my pants? Like nobody would notice that.
Please, place the item in the bag …
Sorry, I dropped the carrots … why the hell am I saying sorry to a machine. A fucking irritating voice on a loop. Stop being so chirpy.
Please, place the item in the bag …
How come the woman next to me has made it to “Please, take your bag and remember your change”? She only bought a sack of mushy peas and a catering tray of doughnuts.
Please, place the item in the bag …
I’m buying organic, damn her!
Please, place the item in the bag …
How am I expected to balance this melon on top of a pyramid of shopping? The space is too small. It’ll fall off.
Please, place the item in the bag …
See, told you. Fucking fruit pulp all over my shoes. I’m not paying for that! You can tell your manager balls to the bloody melon.
Please, place the item in the bag …
There’s no way I’m risking a trifle on there.
Please, place the item in the bag …
No way!
Please, place the item in the bag …
Just let me hold onto it. Happy to pay. You know what it is, I just swiped it over the lazer beam thingy.
Please, place the item in the bag …
Can’t we be sensible about this? Talk … like, man to machine.
Please, place the item in the bag …
See! See! I bloody told you that would happen. Custard all over the shop. The old guy at the next till has raspberry jelly spattered all over the back of his shorts. Looks like his haemorrhoids have burst.
Please, place the item in the bag …
Wine! You want me to risk the wine on there? … Absolutely fucking not.
Please, place the item in the bag …
No,
Please, place the item in the bag …
You aren’t listening.
Please, place the item in the bag …
Oh, for heaven’s sake, just let me pay.
Please, place the item in the bag …
Fuck you, fuck the shopping, fuck the bags and fuck the fucking supermarket. I’ll get my dinner at Wetherspoons. Have a nice day.