PHIL KIRBY goes out leafleting for the local election in ARMLEY
There’s obviously a knack to slipping a sheet of A4 through a standard residential letterbox.
Maybe it’s like a secret handshake, a mystery handed down by the Hermetic order of Worshipful Delivery Agents over untold generations.
Perhaps there’s a special training academy attended by a cadre of elite canvassers in order to perfect the zen-like art of anti-origami, enabling them to materialise a piece of paper on your doormat as flat and fresh and flawless as if it had just flown off the photocopier.
Or – and this is just a random guess – it could be that the folks who distribute promotional copy for pizzas and kebabs and curries simply have an innate ability. They are born that way. A bit like people who can knot a cherry stalk with their tongue, or waggle their ears.
Whatever it is, I do not possess this knack.
It is not a competence in all conscience I could put on my CV.
To be frank, I am to leafleting what Godzilla is to modern architecture.
Oddly enough I didn’t find this out about myself until this morning.
I’d volunteered to do some leaflet distribution for our local prospective Green Party councillor, Lou Cunningham. I know, sounds a bit altruistic, but it was done for entirely selfish calculations.
I live in Armley. It’s a great place with some amazing stuff happening, and it could be even better. Lou cares more, works harder for, and makes a bigger difference in Armley than anyone I could imagine, so it made sense to pound the streets with half a ream of A4 for an hour or two if that increased the chances of boosting her vote in the local election.
If you know anything about Armley, you’ll get it.
Anyhow, a pile of leaflets were dropped off last night, along with a map with targeted streets highlighted, and I set off around 10 this morning with a spring in my step, a song in my heart, and 200 sheets of foolscap in my bag.
200 leaflets. Which had to be inserted through 200 letterboxes… This did not seem to be a particularly problematic puzzle.
I am familiar with the concept of a letterbox.
As it happens there’s one in our front door. Gets used all the time. I’m always picking up letters and leaflets and general correspondence. This would be a breeze.
What I didn’t realise was that I’m only au fait with the fun end of the letterbox. The business end is a different beast entirely.
First letterbox on my designated route I approached with naivety. I cranked open the metal flap and attempted to slip a whole sheet of A4 through the hole, whole. Not folded. Simply flat. Just as nature intended.
My thinking was that these things cost money and I wanted them to reach the intended audience as nice and neat as possible. I thought people would be more likely to read the leaflet if it was delivered with a touch of finesse. Creaseless. Crumple free. Looking unread.
However, it became evident that a letterbox draught excluder is designed to exclude more than the odd wisp of cold air. It felt like trying to slip a spider’s web through a bramble bush.
This wasn’t going to work.
First leaflet ended up torn, tangled, and trashed.
Hmm, lesson learned. Rethink necessary.
Second leaflet… ok, I have to fold it. I was being silly, it’s too wide to fit through the slot without bending, and the fold will add strength.
So, the second leaflet fit the space but again I’d not reckoned with the draught excluder. Those things are merciless! It’s harder than forcing a large pill down the throat of a stubborn, feisty tomcat.
I had to karate chop the leaflet through the brushes (or are they teeth, more like!) which ended up in another mangled, mauled, mortified piece of paper.
This leafleting malarkey is not as simple as it looks!
I must have done a whole street shoving leaflets scruffily through the savage draught excluders. I wasn’t happy. And the leaflets landed as a scrunched up unsightly object on the floor.
Then it occurred to me to fold the leaflet again. Making the leaflet a thinner, stronger, more stable slab. That might work?
And it did. Sort of.
At least it enabled me to finish the round with only minor injuries.
More importantly, I learned a new skill, which will come in handy over the weekend when I do my next assigned round of leafleting (and a friend has just informed me that a spatula is the best way to tackle the draught excluder problem… Who knew?)
Next, does anyone know anything about gates? And why most of the gates in Armley seem to be recycled from the set of The Crystal Maze?
There must be someone around here who can teach me good gate technique?