I recently started a dog walking service and took a very large Labrador down Briggate yesterday. She had a massive dump right opposite Trinity shopping centre. And then several other sizeable shits all the way up to the new Samsung shop.
It has been pointed out to me that these unwelcome additions to the ambience of Leeds’ finest plot of retail real estate may interfere with the pleasurable experience of promenading shoppers.
They are without question unsightly. They are quite possibly hazardous. They may even constitute an official obstruction to free passage along the highway.
I accept full responsibility.
Let me take the opportunity here to reassure the people of Leeds that these turds are temporary.
This shit will be gone. Soon.
In accordance with all relevant bye-laws, statutes and regulatory frameworks I had informed the council of my commercial intention to walk a dog down Briggate. I made sure they got a cut. Within a month or even less I shall be informing the relevant council officer of the unforeseen consequences of having toileted said animal. The council department responsible for clearing up and tidying will no doubt be in touch with me within a reasonable time frame and negotiations will commence as to the best way forward to rectify this untoward occurrence. All the efforts of each and every individual involved will be focused on the single-minded effort to resolve this matter and return Briggate to the status quo ante. There are very strict policies and practices we have all signed up to in order to facilitate the best outcome for the city, soon.
Now, before anyone on social media “blows this up out of all proportion” let me explain a thing or two about how these things work. When I spotted the opportunity to make some loot by accompanying a Labrador on a stroll through the centre of town I seized it. Leeds City Council knows an entrepreneur when it sees one and was more than encouraging about my canine chaperoning caper. The benefits to the local economy outweighed the minor disadvantage of the occasional doggy dump. The excremental costs were vastly offset by the additional income accrued. And a plan would be put in place to shovel away the shit “soon”. What more could you ask? We take our responsibility to the environment with utmost seriousness and just as soon as the forms are filled out and the lawyers reimbursed we shall be disposing of the dog shit within six weeks. Please allow until May 31st. Any delays are due to the availability of the scoop. Thank you for your patience in this matter…
Okay, okay, yes I am being silly. But think about it… Clear Channel are allowed to take a pneumatic drill to Briggate in order to erect yet more advertising space. Fair enough, we all need more advertising in our lives, though personally I think they look a bit gormless. But, if you’d done that would you not have made sure you had the tools, supplies, replacement stones etc to make the job good before you left it in this state? Surely that’s simply good business, never mind being a good citizen? This makes me want to take a pickaxe to the thing… or perhaps put a shelf up.
I wonder what would happen if we put up a shelf in front of these advertising boards? Just temporarily. We’d take them away “soon”. And we’d thank you for your patience.
It might get someone’s “urgent attention”?
The TurdeYorkshire begins on Briggate?