Not An Interview With Nina Conti

Several months ago, when I was put in touch with Harrogate Theatre and asked who, of their impressive Comedy Festival line up, I might like to interview, I excitedly reeled off a list of names.

“How about the fabulous Nina Conti?” They asked.

“Sure,” says I, “she’s… fabulous.” Who is she? – quick Google search – oh her Dad was in Shirley Valentine.

And then, like a Wet Wet Wet song, Nina Conti was all around me. I open the Metro (my newspaper of choice) (don’t judge me) (it could be worse), she’s there. I flip on Live at the Apollo, she’s there. I queue up to buy multiple Walnut Whips at Poundland… oh wait that was someone else.

Anyway, Nina Conti is now hot property and we’re all like: “Tom who? Oh, his daughter is in Family Tree with her hand up a monkey.”

Incidentally, did anyone get to episode eight of Family Tree? If yes, why? (I’m genuinely interested). I got to about episode six and I had a good reason: I thought I was going to be interviewing Nina Conti and was diligently watching so that I could brown nose her. But in truth, and I feel less obligated to flattery now that the interview has been scraped, there is little to recommend Family Tree aside from Nina and Monkey’s double act.

If you haven’t seen it, Nina plays the main character’s sister Bea, who is at all times accompanied by Monkey, a glove puppet she seems to believe is real: makes my sister look normal. My favourite moment? Bea sitting in awkward silence while Monkey tried to impregnate a boxing glove. Cringe worthy genius.

If you haven’t come across Nina yet, she is a ventriloquist and comedienne. Her act is truly unique: she brings a variety of puppet characters to life and uses face masks that she can manipulate on members of the audience to enable her to put words in their mouths.

She is on at Leeds City Varieties on 30 September 2013 and Harrogate Theatre on 17 October 2013.

I never did get to interview Nina. She is now such hot property that after months of trying to arrange a telephone call with her I conceded defeat and her agent sent me a list of pre-prepared question and answers. I’ve stuck some of them below. I like to imagine her interviewing herself with the aid of a glove puppet. Or, you could imagine me speaking in bold type?

How did you start out in the arts?

I was quite keen to avoid going into acting because it seemed deeply unoriginal and my parents were both actors. So I studied philosophy instead of going to drama school and thought hard about our life in the universe, how arbitrary existence is, our moral imperatives, and I emerged three years later a wannabe actress.

Do you see the characters as extensions of yourself, an interesting way of expressing and exploring hidden emotions and sides of yourself?

Yes I think so, opening your own brain into dialogues rather than just doing monologues, I find that quite interesting. I seem to travel further when I’m doing that than I do when I’m just thinking in my own voice.

What is it about monkey that makes him your most used?

It’s his boxy little face with his small frown. He’s also got a kind mouth and for some reason I imbue that with great intelligence, I expect him to be able to say something rather profound. He doesn’t let me down and I enjoy him as a character for his wisdom ha-ha.

How do you suppress laughter or certain emotions when you’re doing the characters? Can this be quite difficult?
I don’t! I sometimes laugh mid monkey’s sentence and he gives me a right bollocking for breaking his flow.

Do you ever get nervous before you go on-stage? How do you defeat the nerves?

Yes I do get nervous, not too debilitatingly (although that can happen on certain occasions where the conditions feel wrong). I think I do a thing in my head where I try to trick myself into thinking that it’s not important, and that I don’t feel nervous. It’s a very ridiculous head-space of denial and estrangement but it gets me to the stage. Going through the first lines in my head helps – I know if I get through the first few sentences, I’ll be ok. Funnily enough, my first sentences are usually my least amusing.

What’s it like taking a show like Dolly Mixtures on a tour of the UK?

Lots of bags, lots of faffing, last minute sewing up of puppet faces and sudden needs for gaffa tape. Eating sandwiches on trains and hefting suitcases into the boot of the car in late night carparks. Keeping children entertained on iPads in dressing rooms, on either side of the show. It’s potentially dull and I will miss my family if they are not able to come with me, but the show itself is the fun part, that really is the party for me.

What wouldn’t you do without?

My children! Air! Food! Love! . . . and my Monkey.