EXPLO: the new hit app

I’ve created a new app. It’s called EXPLO. You can download it for free on your smartphone. If you don’t have a smartphone, why are you existing?

It works like this.

You’re with a group of friends (if you’re struggling to visualise what a group of friends looks like because you’ve never had any, Getty Images will supply you, for a modest fee, with a picture of young, mixed race Gen Z people all laughing and high on FOMO) and one of them mentions they don’t feel particularly alive at that precise moment. You answer you have an app for that and take out your phone and start tapping.

The app connects to a website that matches people who want to feel alive in some way with people who can supply such a service. The nearest supplier is found and a text is sent to them to meet you at a place of your choosing.

Once the supplier arrives at your location you agree on one of the selections listed on the approved menu (say, a punch in the face), pay the appropriate fee, punch the supplier in the face and then enjoy the rest of the evening with your friends joking about how senseless violence is so liberating (if you need an illustration of senseless violence, Getty Images can help: just use one of ‘their’ out of copyright images on your blog without paying for it). 

Of course, your friends can join in too and request their own activity with different suppliers found on the app.

Think of the benefits! No more having to get drunk on a Saturday night to look for a fight — you can throw punches without the hassle of going out or consuming alcohol. Avoid too, the possibility of picking on someone bigger than yourself. 

No more self-harming!*

Why is EXPLO so inexpensive? Well, this incredible service takes no responsibility whatsoever for any of its consequences. Any considerations for insurance cover, hospital treatment, legal fees etc — are offloaded onto other suckers or simply ignored completely in the reams of terms and conditions you sign up to before using the app.

It’s a win-win-win: you enjoy yourself, the precariat gets some kind of reward for serving the exploitative system and I become a billionaire.

Isn’t Big Tech transformative!

*Injuring yourself when using the service is not deemed self-harm, and even if it were, we couldn’t care less.