Has this ever happened to you?
You go out to a cultural event – could be opera, might be a gallery, may even be modern interpretive dance, makes no odds. Point is, you’re making an effort. There’s a glass of indifferent red in one hand and a faffing mite of something that wouldn’t fill a four year old in the other, and you are gawping hazily at whatever it is that tempted you here, keeping yourself to yourself (which is where it always ought to be kept if you want my opinion) when suddenly your elbow is ever so slightly tugged, jolting you from your pleasant mental vacation. A smiling face appears at your side, eyes make contact; “So . . . What do you think, then?”
Horridly embarrassing, isn’t it?
Not the most appropriate moment, mouthful of mushroom vol au vont, brain gently unwinding with the fourth glass of complimentary Merlot, and the only thought nagging at the fuzzy edge of your consciousness is will the wine last till the next bus home.
It’s not nice appearing dense. Gormless is not a good look on anyone. Never did much for the reputation.
Don’t you just wish the ground would open and a hundred hell hounds, gnashing, slavering, howling, would hurl themselves at your chirpy friend, and drag her, flailing and screaming, to the hot place below?
Well, now you don’t ever have to be at a loss for a recondite response or rapier like cultural repartee ever again. Here at OHCRAP Innovative Solutions inc. we have been working tirelessly on your behalf to bring you APP (2.0) – Art Patter Producer – with our built in, patented FAKES technology (Fast Art Knowledge in Emergency Situations.)
Simply download the app from the OHCRAP Bazaar, login to your account, and rest assured that we can provide a killer comment within moments. Our cutting edge geolocation technology accurately identifies the precise nature of the cultural institution that you are attending and selects the most appropriate conversational clincher from our vast database of art speak. Never again should you find yourself in a sculpture park circumambulating what appears to be a totem pole constructed out of baked bean cans and razor wire, and you turn to your neighbour and say with utmost gravitas, “the trombone arpeggio in the third movement was scintillating, such exquisite wrist technique.” (Once again we must apologise to customers who downloaded our beta version, which contained an OHCRAP map app mishap. We have removed the mischievous code and ironed out the kinks. Sorry for the confusion, though our cleverer customers passed it off as an attempt at surrealism, or mashup; and let’s face it, who noticed!)
APP (2.0) comes in three personalised packages to suit every pocket and pretension.
APP (2.0) Few, allows you to choose from a range of four art forms and up to seven recognised RFO venues.
APP (2.0) Much, covers every proper art form and includes any decent institution. Even ballet.
APP (2.0) All, is for the more culturally adventurous and independently minded. Next time you’re in Hebden Bridge wandering by a pop up burlesque craft stall, wondering what to make of that art bra made from organic filo pastry and flax, just take out your phone and point . . . within seconds we will have told you exactly what you think.
OHCRAP . . . we’re there when you need to look like you know what you’re on about.