Please, Place the Item in the Bag …

Please, place the item in the bag …

Yes, that’s what I’m doing.

Please, place the item in the bag …

I am. I’m going to put an item in the bag.

Please, place the item in the bag …

(rubbing bag furiously): Look, the bag won’t open. It’s hard to open a bag with an item in your hand.

Please, place the item in the bag ...

I can’t open the bloody bag! Why do you make bags so difficult to open? It’s …

Please, place the item in the bag …

it’s harder to get into than my ex-landlady’s drinks cabinet.

Please, place the item in the bag …

Okay, Okay, I’ll sort the flippin’ bag after, just give me a break.

Please, place the item in the bag …

Oh, just fuck off now! I know how to shop. I have done this before you know.

Please, place the item in the bag …

What the hell else do you think I’d do with a six pack of fizzy water? Stuff it up my t-shirt? Like nobody would notice that.

Please, place the item in the bag …

Sorry, I dropped the carrots … why the hell am I saying sorry to a machine. A fucking irritating voice on a loop.

Please, place the item in the bag ...

How come the woman next to me has made it to “Please, take your bag and remember your change”? She only bought a tin of processed peas and a box of doughnuts.

Please, place the item in the bag …

I’m buying organic, damn her!

Please, place the item in the bag …

How am I expected to balance a melon on top of this pyramid of produce? The space is too small for my shopping. It’ll fall off.

Please, place the item in the bag …

See, told you. Fucking melon all over my shoes. I’m not paying for that! You can tell your manager balls to the bloody melon.

Please, place the item in the bag …

There’s no way I’m risking a trifle on there.

Please, place the item in the bag …

No way!

Please, place the item in the bag …

Just let me hold onto it. Happy to pay. You know what it is, I just swiped it over the lazer beam thingy.

Please, place the item in the bag …

Can’t we be sensible about this? Talk … like, man to machine.

Please, place the item in the bag …

See! See! I bloody told you that would happen. Custard all over the place. The old guy at the next till is spattered all up the back of his pants with raspberry jelly.

Please, place the item in the bag …

Wine! … Absolutely fucking not.

Please, place the item in the bag …

No!

Please, place the item in the bag …

You aren’t listening.

Please, place the item in the bag …

Oh, for heaven’s sake, just let me pay.

Please, place the item in the bag …

Fuck you, fuck the shopping, fuck the bags and fuck the fucking supermarket. I’ll get my dinner at Wetherspoons. Have a nice day.